dream.

there is a reoccurring dream i have had regularly since i was really young. it started off as a regular dream that i would wake from in the middle of the night, or a kind of half dream/vision that i would have before falling asleep when i was sick and in that feverish delirious state. for a while it went away, but recently it has returned, coming to me at random times of extreme exhaustion, or as i'm just about to drift off at night.

its not so much a dream as it is a feeling, but its almost impossible to describe. these days i feel like i can hold on to it for a little longer, and try to look at it and decipher it more than i could in the past. i keep thinking that one day i will have an epiphany where i'll finally realize what it is that i'm seeing/feeling, or that i'll see or experience something one day and it will all make sense.

the only way i can describe it is that i am looking upwards towards the ceiling where i'm seeing this vision in my mind, yet i'm getting a birds eye view and actually looking downwards from above on something that is too small... but its a place, or a map, or something that's actually quite large but the feeling is that somehow something isn't fitting in that space. and the feeling while this is happening is very odd and slightly uncomfortable. when i was young it was frightening to me, as it was often also accompanied by a sensation where i felt like my face, or my body, or all of me was being crushed by a steady pounding, or throbbing. that feeling has long since passed, but the dream still leaves me feeling strangely unnerved.

i've always had strange and vivid dreams, but nothing quite like this. and recently my dreams have been very much tied to my life, been more vivid and realistic and included people that i know from everyday life, which is also less common for me. other people seem not to remember their dreams the way that i do. i can remember dreams in great detail from a long time ago, places and people and experiences that flicker through my memory as though they are moments in my past that i'm remembering as one would remember an childhood birthday party, or the first time at disneyworld. then everything becomes jumbled together and dreams and memories combine... and how can i NOT believe that there's something more behind the experiences and "memories" of my subconscious?