dream.

there is a reoccurring dream i have had regularly since i was really young. it started off as a regular dream that i would wake from in the middle of the night, or a kind of half dream/vision that i would have before falling asleep when i was sick and in that feverish delirious state. for a while it went away, but recently it has returned, coming to me at random times of extreme exhaustion, or as i'm just about to drift off at night.

its not so much a dream as it is a feeling, but its almost impossible to describe. these days i feel like i can hold on to it for a little longer, and try to look at it and decipher it more than i could in the past. i keep thinking that one day i will have an epiphany where i'll finally realize what it is that i'm seeing/feeling, or that i'll see or experience something one day and it will all make sense.

the only way i can describe it is that i am looking upwards towards the ceiling where i'm seeing this vision in my mind, yet i'm getting a birds eye view and actually looking downwards from above on something that is too small... but its a place, or a map, or something that's actually quite large but the feeling is that somehow something isn't fitting in that space. and the feeling while this is happening is very odd and slightly uncomfortable. when i was young it was frightening to me, as it was often also accompanied by a sensation where i felt like my face, or my body, or all of me was being crushed by a steady pounding, or throbbing. that feeling has long since passed, but the dream still leaves me feeling strangely unnerved.

i've always had strange and vivid dreams, but nothing quite like this. and recently my dreams have been very much tied to my life, been more vivid and realistic and included people that i know from everyday life, which is also less common for me. other people seem not to remember their dreams the way that i do. i can remember dreams in great detail from a long time ago, places and people and experiences that flicker through my memory as though they are moments in my past that i'm remembering as one would remember an childhood birthday party, or the first time at disneyworld. then everything becomes jumbled together and dreams and memories combine... and how can i NOT believe that there's something more behind the experiences and "memories" of my subconscious?

crumbling.

apt.

bradley stephens design



just a few of the reasons why i'm dreaming of my own studio apartment...

black & white.

designs by ella haberlach
photography by tarek musleh

lazy sunday.

today was a perfect sunday. i finally slept in, which i needed after a 6 day workweek. i woke up to another beautiful clear blue day, and couldn't sleep anymore because i wanted to be outside. went for brunch with friends, and spent the rest of the day exploring brookyln. saw the new exhibit at the brooklyn museum, which was really fantastic. i didn't have enough time to see it all, so i'll have to go back. i also never quite realized how great that museum is... i've always been impressed with the exterior (which i think rivals the Met) but have only been inside a couple times. ice cream and hot chocolate after the museum, and finally home for some quality time with my couch...

jellyfish.

photography by Guido Mocafico


its pretty incredible how much natural beauty there is in the world.

all that is worth anything, really.

"go after her, fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at 4 in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought i'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest, and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really."


i love this quote. yet no one seems to have any idea where it came from...

love story.

YDE photoshoot

i used to think i was a closet romantic. then i realized as jaded and cynical as i may seem sometimes, i don't think i've ever fooled anyone.

great white.

i am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life, friends who i can speak with and who challenge and inspire me. in one conversation recently, i was speaking with a friend who is older than i am, and we were talking about how one continues to grow and learn throughout their lifetime. this friend summed up our thoughts into the simple idea that if we are not learning and growing and evolving, than we are, in fact, beginning to die.

there is no standstill, there is no "rut". if you are not living, not moving forward, you are only existing... but even your existence is slowly losing meaning when there is nothing sustaining it.

there is so much to learn and explore. what are we doing in life if we are not expanding, if our relationships with others and with ourselves are not ever-changing and evolving and growing?

there are some species of sharks who will die if they stop swimming, due to the fact that the oxygen from the water won't flow through their gills. i see people as being similar to these sharks, in the way that if we stop exploring new places, experiencing new things, gaining new knowledge and pushing our limits, (all vital parts of life that are like an oxygen for our souls) we will begin to die. maybe this won't manifest itself physically at first, but i'm sure it will eventually.

i hate when i see anyone, but young people especially, who are stuck, or already feel like they are caught in some routine that they can't get out of. there is always time to make a change in your life, no matter how old or young or no matter what job or place you are in. i hope that i will be able to continue to love what i am doing, to continue being creative and creating new opportunities for myself, and that if i ever find myself feeling differently, i hope that i will have the courage to move on and not look back.

sycamore.

My walk to work every day includes an avenue full of sycamore trees. To say that I enjoy these trees would be an understatement. Every day, I nearly trip over my own feet or a crack in the sidewalk, and my usual speed of .5 Avenues/min slows to close to 0. I am mesmerized by the peeling bark, exposing all the colors that from afar intertwine like splotches of pigment in an impressionist painting. Upon closer look, each separate hue is so precise that it looks like a paint by numbers, spaces where someone has carefully filled in complementary shades of green and brown to create the perfect work of art. I stare up as I walk, intensely pleased by how nicely the trees are illuminated by the clear blue sky behind them. Occasionally someone walking near me will glance upwards also, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever it is that I'm looking at, but I'm sure they're disappointed when they realize there's nothing there but a tree...

playlist #1

ms. cold - kings of convenience
wicked blood - sea wolf
11th dimension - julian casablancas
young at love and life - dominant legs
lights out - santogold
in steps - letting up despite great faults
islands - the xx
ambling alp - yeasayer
saga - basement jaxx
silvia - miike snow
gold guns girls - metric
wasted - angus & julia stone
just a boy - angus & julia stone
where i stood - missy higgins
hawaii - meiko

hello wednesday.

i got myself the biggest, most caffeinated coffee i could this morning, but really what i feel like i need is a giant slap in the face.


Martine Johanna


Allison Torneros



...i get such a thrill from perusing notcot.org and seeing all the amazing things that people are creating and producing and designing and dreaming up every day.

i think i'd like to spend my life listening to music at an obscene volume and making art.

don't you think?

life can be horribly ironic at times.

head over heels.

designs by rita saardi


"It was a meditation on life, love, old age, death: ideas that had often fluttered around her head like nocturnal birds but dissolved into a trickle of feathers when she tried to catch hold of them." (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

here's one for the headphones.

this song is beyond needing an explanation.

papercuts.

Pages from inspiration journal


its funny how a little thing can happen and it can have such a monumental impact on something else. or everything else.

angus & julia stone.

love their music, love their photos.

surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy.